Healing the Feeling of “Not Enoughness”

Today I want to explore something that’s very close to my heart. It’s that feeling of not enoughness. Or not okayness. Whatever name you want to give it. That background sense that no matter what I do, where I go, or how I am, there’s something missing. Like I just need to do a bit more, be a bit more, fix something else, improve something else. And only then I’ll be able to relax.

For many people, it feels like a carrot dangling just out of reach. There’s always something else to chase. Something else that promises relief.

If this is familiar to you, you might not fully understand why you’re like this. But you will definitely understand the exhaustion. That deep tiredness that comes from feeling like no matter how fast you run emotionally, you always end up back in the same place. Still not enough. Still more to do.

What’s interesting is that there is actually a very simple and very profound way of working with this. There is one thing we can do. And I’ll share it in a moment. But fair warning, it feels incredibly hard to do precisely because it’s so simple.

Before that, it helps to understand how we end up here in the first place.

For many people with a trauma background, something painful happens in childhood. Abuse. Neglect. Chaos. Unavailability. And instead of experiencing it as “this situation is bad,” we internalise it as “I am bad.”

Something bad happens, and the child makes meaning out of it by turning it inward. As we grow up and develop cognitively, this turns into a vague but persistent sense that something is wrong with me. I can’t quite name it, but I can feel it. So I start doing things to try to get rid of it.

Sometimes those things work for a while. Sometimes they don’t. And then we start again. And again. And again.

For some people, life becomes about striving. Achieving. Accomplishing. Becoming. For others, it’s about numbing. Addictions. Distraction. Dissociation. Shutting down. Most of us swing between the two. Trying hard, then collapsing. Pushing forward, then going offline.

But no matter which strategy we use, the feeling doesn’t really go away.

And the reason is this. The problem isn’t behavioural. It’s not about what you’re doing or not doing. It’s about identity. It’s about shame.

Shame is the felt sense that something is fundamentally wrong with me. Not just that I made a mistake, but that I am the mistake.

And of course, when that’s present, we reach out. We people please. We try to fix ourselves. We try to meet cultural milestones. For many of us, our twenties, thirties, even forties are spent trying things with the hope that this will finally settle the feeling.

I know that journey well.

For a long time, I believed that if I could just stop being an addict, then the shame would disappear. So I did the work. I got sober. And that was important. I’m not dismissing that. But what I discovered was that the feeling was still there.

So then it became, I need to be a partner. A parent. I need a house. I need to meet these ideas of what a good life looks like. I did those things. And I’m glad I did. But the feeling was still there.

Then it was weight. Health. Productivity. Self-improvement. On and on it went.

And I suspect you know exactly what I’m talking about. That bottomless to-do list that never quite satisfies, because the feeling underneath it is bottomless.

So what do we do?

Here’s the paradox. The one thing you need to do is realise there is nothing to do.

You are already whole. You are already here. The love, beauty, and wholeness you are seeking is not somewhere else. It’s already present.

There’s a poem of Rumis's about knocking on a door, only to discover you were already inside the house. The Dzogchen tradition calls this the great perfection. The understanding that everything is already complete, and the only thing required is to notice it.

But if you’ve spent your whole life doing what I did, this can feel terrifying.

If there’s nothing to do, then what am I supposed to do?

I’ve invested decades in strategies, effort, fixing, and pushing. And now you’re telling me to stop? That can create panic. The fear is that if I do nothing, I’ll become lazy, passive, a useless blob on the couch.

But here’s the irony. Many of us already live that cycle.

We push and push until we’re exhausted. Then we collapse. We become immobile. We shut down. And then we feel guilty and ashamed for not doing enough. So we get up and start pushing again.

I spent years swinging between frantic doing and paralysed not doing.

So what happens if we step out of that loop entirely?

What if, instead of oscillating, we simply allowed ourselves to be here. With who we are. Where we are. As we are.

At first, that feels scary. For many people, being with themselves feels dangerous. Because underneath is the belief, “If I stop fixing myself, I’m just accepting that I’m bad.”

And that belief is exactly what we’re gently questioning.

This is where a non-doing meditation practice can be deeply healing. Sitting for five or ten minutes and doing nothing goes completely against the grain of that old survival energy.

At first, it’s uncomfortable. There’s restlessness. Agitation. Thoughts. Emotions. Old feelings surface.

But if you stay. If you sit consistently. Something else begins to emerge.

It’s like a deeper part of your being slowly rises up. A sense of okayness that was always there, but cut off.

Nothing new is created. You’re not fixing anything. You’re reconnecting.

And this isn’t your fault. Things happened. You adapted. That disconnection helped you survive. But that deeper okayness has always been waiting for a little space. A little attention.

This path is simple. But it’s challenging because it goes against everything we’ve been conditioned to believe.

And yet, if even a small part of this lands for you, it can be incredibly liberating.

Because when we stop being compelled to do something in order to be okay, life opens up. We relax. We enjoy. Change still happens, but it arises naturally. Not from force or shame, but from wholeness.

Things that felt out of reach begin to appear in a quieter, easier way.

So if this resonates, take it gently. You don’t need to do more. You don’t need to become someone else.

You’re already here.

Thanks for reading. Take care of yourself.

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