Why the Parts of Us We Hold in Contempt Need The Most Love
- Ewan Nicholson
- 5 days ago
- 4 min read
The subject we're exploring today is why the parts of us we hold most contempt and disdain are worthy of the most love and kindness.
This is a subject that is very much easier said than done. The idea of loving the parts of ourselves that we feel disgust or real contempt toward is deeply challenging. But often we end up in a place where we have no choice but to try. And there is a counterintuitive irony here: it is not until we love these parts of ourselves that we can actually be free from their yoke.
What Parts Are We Talking About?
This is not about harmless flaws. We're talking about the parts of us we genuinely dislike. Slothfulness. Gluttony. Rage. Anger. Vindictiveness. Pettiness. Selfishness. Excessive pride. Arrogance.
These are qualities we may be in denial about. We deflect. We justify. We obscure. But some part of us knows, “I'm this way, and I don't want to be.”
Most of the time, we attempt to delete these aspects of ourselves. We deny them, push through, cover up, conceal, and try to move forward. Yet they keep resurfacing. Not only do we feel we have failed to diminish them,but we also feel the shame of being back where we started after exhausting energy and effort trying not to be this way.
Eventually, many of us reach an exhausting point. And even then, we may still believe the next strategy will finally fix it.
The Cultural Message We Carry
Part of what makes this so difficult is that we are also dealing with a powerful cultural message: bad things should happen to bad people. Bad qualities deserve to be punished.
Think of the premise of any revenge film. The violence unleashed at the end is justified because of the terrible things done at the beginning. We demonise other people. We prescribe bad qualities to a group, and that justifies harm toward them.
We carry an internalised version of that. We feel there is something in us that needs to be punished and wiped out. There is a kind of violence we direct toward these aspects of ourselves. And often, that violence is part of what keeps the struggle going.
A Different Perspective
What’s required is a different understanding. It can’t just be, “Love these parts of yourself.” We need to understand why.
In family systems, each member plays a role. The scapegoat or the delinquent teenager reveals something about the family system as a whole. In the same way, if there is some aspect of ourselves that feels self-destructive or against our best interests, we often treat it like strict parents sending a child off to boot camp. We try to fix it without understanding what it represents.
When we trace beneath the behaviour, we often discover an unmet need, a wound, or a defence we developed at some point to protect ourselves. From that perspective, loving ourselves does not mean loving the behaviour. It means showing kindness to the underlying energy beneath it.
Fear of Indulging
There is a fear that if we greet this aspect of ourselves with love and understanding, we are indulging it. Permitting it.
But this is not indulgence. It is understanding.
There is something about suppressing and attacking these parts that simply does not work, because they are still here. Still operational. And sometimes stronger for having been pushed down.
If something keeps resurfacing, then something in our approach is not working.
What Happens When We Shift?
When we look with curiosity, kindness, and tenderness, something changes.
There is a sense of space that feels created. There is a shift in how that aspect shows up. The inner struggle between good me and bad me, the devil and angel battling it out, begins to soften. Instead, there is a wider perspective that allows space for change.
When an aspect of ourselves is seen and acknowledged, it often softens. Recognition changes the relationship.
And this shift in ourselves also changes how we see others.
When we understand that the parts of us we dislike often arise from something that has gone awry in our lives, we can look at others differently. That does not diminishthe fact that terrible things happen. But it suggests that harmful behaviour does not arise from someone intrinsically bad, but from someone deeply deluded or disconnected from something within themselves.
Compassion in Dark Times
It can feel like we are living in dark times. There is a temptation to vilify the villains and reserve compassion only for the victims. Care and love for the oppressed, none for the oppressors.
This is not about justifying harm. It is about recognising that meeting what arises in ourselves and in the world with kindness and love creates the possibility for something different.
The more we reconcile with the different aspects of ourselves, the more capacity we have to hold compassion for others.
Loving the parts of ourselves we hold in contempt is difficult. It is counterintuitive. It requires risk. But often, it is only through this shift that real freedom becomes possible.
About Me
I’m Ewan Nicholson, a Brisbane-based trauma-informed therapist specialising in childhood trauma, attachment wounds, addiction recovery, and patterns like anxiety, shame, and people-pleasing.
My work is grounded in somatic therapy, nervous system regulation, Gestalt-informed practice, and inner child work. I support adults in Brisbane and online across Australia who want deeper, embodied change, not just insight.
If you’re looking for a Brisbane therapist specialising in childhood trauma and somatic therapy, I offer a free 30-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
Safety starts with trust. Hope grows with time.
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