Small Lies, Big Shame: How Little Truths Can Reduce the Toxic Shame of Childhood Trauma

Lies and Shame

Lying, to some degree, is a natural part of growing up and being human. Most people tell little fibs here and there. The most common lies are typically related to weight, age, or height. I even read once that “I love you” came in at number seven on the list, which is a bit worrying, but that’s a topic for another day.

When we are children, lying often shows up in innocent ways. Think of those videos where a child has chocolate smeared across their mouth while insisting, “I didn’t eat the cupcake.” These kinds of lies are part of our psychological development.

I have two teenage daughters, and I often catch them telling small lies. They do it because they don’t want to get in trouble, or they want to avoid something. The idea is that, as we grow, we mature into authenticity and responsibility, and we stop telling childish lies.

But if you grew up in a dysfunctional family environment, where there was violence, neglect, emotional or sexual abuse, or just constant stress, lying takes on a different role. It becomes a survival strategy. In order to feel safe and avoid harm, you learn to lie as a matter of course. Over time, it becomes unconscious and habitual, baked into the way you think and relate to the world.

Like many adaptations from childhood, lying made sense at the time. But what helped you survive as a child often becomes a liability in adulthood.

The Problem with Small Lies

Let me give you an example. I would go out and buy a baseball cap for 20 euros, then come home and tell my wife it was 15. She didn’t care whether it was 30 or 25, so why did I feel the need to shave off five euros? It was such a small, silly lie, but it came from a deeper place.

If you grew up in a house filled with shame, guilt, or fear, those small lies become automatic. And the problem is that they are easy to dismiss. They are not betrayals or infidelities. They feel harmless. But over time, they add up like a drip feed of poison.

Every time we tell one of these small lies, we reinforce the message to ourselves that we are not safe, that we cannot be authentic, that honesty is not allowed. One lie on its own may be harmless. But three or four a day, over decades, constantly reinforce danger, shame, and inauthenticity.

I once read a report about bacon and cured meats. The conclusion was that one slice of bacon is not dangerous in itself. But if you eat bacon every day for forty years, the cumulative effect greatly increases your risk of cancer. Small lies work in the same way. One in itself is not destructive. But thousands, spread over years, quietly undermine our sense of safety and authenticity.

Learning to Tell the Truth

What we tell ourselves

With the help of therapy and supportive people in my life, I began to notice and reduce these small lies. I used to tell them constantly. Saying I got home at two when it was really three. Saying I ate a ham sandwich when it was actually chicken. Even hiding chocolate wrappers at the bottom of the bin. They were pointless, but they accumulated.

The first step is awareness. You have to admit to yourself that you are doing it. Nobody else will call you out on these small lies. Only you can. It takes self-awareness and courage to be that honest with yourself.

The next step is to experiment with truth. Say, “That baseball cap cost 20 euros.” What happens? Most of the time, nothing at all. Much of the fear is in our imagination. Often, it is just a habit. And little by little, by telling small truths, the background shame and guilt begin to ease.

Healing Through Small Steps

Healing from childhood trauma rarely comes from dramatic breakthroughs. Most of the time, it is small daily practices that build up over weeks, months, and years. In the same way small lies drip-feed us shame, small truths can drip-feed us healing.

Childhood trauma can feel like staring up at a mountain range, overwhelming in its scale. But as the old saying goes, a thousand-mile journey begins with a single step. These small truths are steps. Over time, they add up to profound change.

By catching ourselves, admitting the habit, and choosing honesty in the small things, we can begin to undo the toxic shame of the past. Slowly but surely, telling the truth becomes a daily act of self-love.