The Problem with “Loving Yourself” (And What Might Work Better)

Today I want to unpack one of those phrases that gets thrown around a lot in the healing world:

What is self-love?

"You need to love yourself."

If you’ve been on any kind of healing journey, from childhood trauma to CPTSD to working through shame, you’ve probably come across this message dozens, if not hundreds of times. It’s in Instagram quotes, podcasts, self-help books, therapy rooms, and casual conversations. And it’s usually delivered like this obvious, non-negotiable truth:

“You just have to love yourself more.”

Okay… but what does that actually mean?

When Self-Love Becomes a Problem

Here’s the thing: I’m not against loving yourself. That’s not what this is. But I think we need to slow down and really look at what this phrase is doing, to us, inside us. Because when I started to examine the idea, I realised it wasn’t as straightforward as it sounds.

Let’s break it down.

When I say, “I need to love myself more,” what I’m actually doing is splitting myself in two. There’s the “I”,  the part of me that’s meant to generate the love, and the “myself”,  the part of me that clearly doesn’t feel lovable yet. That creates a strange kind of inner divide. One part of me is the fixer. The other is the broken thing that needs fixing.

And if I could already love myself, I wouldn’t need to, right? The fact that I’m trying to love myself implies I don’t.

The "Should" Trap

Another red flag: the word should.

“I should love myself more.”, “I need to start taking better care of myself.” “If I just loved myself more, I wouldn’t keep ending up in the same toxic patterns.”

There’s a subtle anxiety behind all of this. A low-grade fear that if we don’t love ourselves,  if we don’t get it together and fix this lack, we’ll stay stuck. The shame, the inner critic, the addictions, the wrong relationships… they’ll all keep recycling unless we fix this one thing: our capacity to love ourselves.

It becomes yet another thing to get right. And that’s where it gets heavy. We start treating self-love like a to-do list item. A performance goal. And ironically, the pressure to love ourselves just ends up reinforcing the same feelings of failure we’re trying to escape.

The Cultural Context Nobody Mentions

It’s also worth remembering: this whole “you have to love yourself” message is cultural. It’s not some eternal human truth. A few hundred years ago in Europe, self-love was considered vanity or sin. Loving God and neighbour came first, self-love was even seen as a problem. And in many Indigenous cultures, the idea of “loving yourself” might not even make much sense,  not because it’s wrong, but because the sense of self and community isn’t split the same way.

So when we hear “love yourself” today, it’s coming from now. From the Western world, in a moment saturated with therapy speak, pop psychology, and capitalism’s obsession with self-optimisation. It’s worth asking: what is this message really trying to fix? And is it the right starting point?

A Different Question: Where Does Love Arise From?

Where does love arise from?

Instead of asking, “How can I love myself more?” I started asking, “What are the conditions from which love arises naturally?”

Because I’ve noticed: when I’m in a more relaxed, grounded, accepting state, not trying to fix myself or become anything,  love shows up on its own. I don’t have to force it. It’s just there. Like a breeze coming through an open window.

It’s in those moments when I stop trying to be more loving, more healed, more evolved, and instead just be, exactly as I am,  that something shifts.

Acceptance Over Achievement

What if the goal isn’t to love yourself more?

What if the deeper work is just to accept what’s already here? Even the parts you wish weren’t. The shame. The numbness. The rage. The self-hatred. What if we made room for all of it?

Because in that spaciousness, something else becomes possible: presence. And presence, I’ve found, is the ground from which self-love actually grows. Not as a performance. Not as a goal. But as a byproduct of being truly with yourself.

Self-Love Isn’t a Chore, It’s a Byproduct

The more I explore this, the clearer it gets: self-love isn’t something we do,  it’s something that emerges. And usually, only when we stop trying so hard to make it happen.

So maybe the real invitation isn’t “love yourself.” Maybe it’s this:

Be with yourself. Be honest. Be accepting. Let that be enough.

And from that place? Maybe love comes. Quietly. Naturally. Like something returning home.

Take care of yourself.

Warmly,

Ewan